I'm feeling very existential today. I'm wondering where my life is heading, where I want it to head, where I REALLY want it to head, what path would be the most fulfilling one for me to pursue...I don't know, I'm pretty much questioning everything. Every time I think I have a path narrowed down and think I am happy with heading down that path, I have one of these existential breakdowns and feel relatively unsure of myself and every aspect of my life.
I mean, I believe in psychology, in the fact that I am meant to be a psychologist, and that being a psychologist will bring me happiness. I do. But, I mean, is that what I want to do when I'm in my 30's or is that more the plan after I have done other things? What other things do I want to do if it is the case that I would rather wait until later to start my psychology career? I miss singing, I miss acting, I miss playing the french horn. I love writing and wish I could find a way of having something I write published. I want to take part in something exciting...like being part of a step team and competing all over Ontario. I want to get a group of people and take a road trip to Florida or something, and stop and see all the sights along the way. I want to perform a bunch of my songs in little lounges for pennies. I wanna take a hip hop dance class and see if I could be the next big dancer. I want to perform on broadway, or in a little movie with a serious theme.
Ok, I am seeing a trend here. I am a very artistic. VERY artistic. I miss being able to express myself through all of those artistic outlets. Sometimes I feel like I am way too much of a free spirit to have reigned myself so fully down like this. I mean, sometimes the world is this whimsical, beautiful, complex place, and I want to be able to express that somehow, put it down, put it together, DELIVER it to the world, to the country, to the audience of 10. I don't want to be a professional _____________________________ (insert artistic job here), I don't want to do it for life, I just want to take the chance to experience it now, before I'm too old and its too late to do it.
I went back to school because I missed challenging myself, I missed learning, I missed THINKING in general. And I think I have done an awesome thing, and even with all this existential thought I don't want to (never even consider the concept of) drop out or anything. I want to stay in school til I reach my goal. But I don't want my entire life to be about this school thing right now. I feel like I need to spread my wings and fly, and I don't know how to reach that goal, I don't know how to do that. I don't know if I even have the ability to do it anymore. Maybe I already am way too late, maybe I am too old already. My heart and soul feel tortured right now. I gotta figure out what I want, where I want to go, what I wanna be and how I want to be that. I need to make my life more fulfilling and balanced right now because I think without doing that I may just say f*** it altogether and become a career customer service rep.
*sigh*
Cheers
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
Monday, January 26, 2009
Rant about inconsiderateness (is that even a word? :-p)
I have had so many things cross my mind and my life in the past few days that have irked me. Seriously, so many that in fact as I now am sitting here, having started this post to complain about all of them, am wondering whether the problem is the world or if it's really just me being in a rotten mood. The problem is I don't feel like I'm in a rotten mood. Not at all. I mean sure, I'm not happy that the deep freeze is back, I'm am vaguely tired of being quite as broke as I am, and I am in a school where I know virtually nobody and spend my days in solitude, even though I am naturally a very sociable person. But things aren't that bad...not that I dwell on them ALL that much...well maybe the social issue, but beyond that...
I don't know though. I think maybe what has been getting to me and the reason why my social outcastness has been so prevalent since coming to University are kinda one in the same. Realistically I just don't have faith in the human race anymore, I think. Wait. Thats not exactly what I meant. I mean more so that human nature, human beings, and particularly the aspect of being entirely inconsiderate of other people has been getting on my nerves. I mean seriously, I was on the GO bus this morning and this person beside me decided the back of my seat was a good place to dig her knee into. Not that that bothered me all that terribly. No, what really got to me was the fact that she was figety, constantly moving around and therefore movibng the back of my seat around in the process. Oh, and she would dig her knee further into my seat as she shifted, so that not only was I being violently jerked around, I also had to endure this with something digging painfully into my back.
Now, most people would ask "Well, why didn't you say anything to her? Ask her politely to stop?". I ask myself such questions all the time in these situations, and I've determined that I am just too nice of a person. I don't want to insult anyone's intelligence, and I don't want to be rude to anyone..and I fear that anything I say will be taken in either of these ways. I mean really, I think once we get to a certain age there are just some things that should go without saying. And I honestly don't know how to approach someone who clearly should know better when they're doing something that I find inconsiderate and personally find assinine that their behaviour is happening at the moment. I mean, treat others as we want to be treated right? That is exactly the reason why I do my best to be as considerate as humanly possible of others rights and feelings when I'm out in public. Plus really I want people to realize that no, I was not raised by farm animals or monkeys or some other manner of beast that clearly was never taught manners.
Hmmm...i think I have gotten off topic...well, is it possible to even get off topic in a blog post? Maybe, maybe not. I mean, after all it IS supposed to be me sharing my thoughts and feelings...can I help it that I am random? Probably. Do I want to? Not at the moment. Maybe I wouldn't be so crazy to begin with if I didn't sit in solitude for 6 hours a day at school. Oh yeah, school and why humanities flaws prevent me from making friends here. NOW I remember...
Ok, so here's the thing. Its not that I have a problem with ALL 19 year old people. Really, I don't. Its just that there's a certain kind of 19 year old person who drives me batty and I feel that the only opportunity I have to communicate with people at school is with these 19 year olds. I don't hate them, as much as I feel that I have grown past that stage of development and can no longer relate. Like, for example, when I am in a library I am relatively quiet, understanding the concept that other people are probably here to work, and even if not all of them are I try to be considerate of those that could be--after all, they could be me and I would appreciate the respect. But you have these children who feel the need to practically scream at each other in the library, while doing absolutely no work, practically over your head, while you sit there in shock wondering when they'll realize where they are. And thats when someone will ask them to keep it down. And then they look pointedly at the person, roll their eyes, and then almost purposefully speak a bit louder and quite a bit longer. Or the ones that say sorry and can only maintain that quiet polite tone of voice for all of 30 seconds before they go buck wild again.
There are many more examples I can use that I encounter on a day to day basis, but I think I've made my point. Unfortunately for me because I did start school so late I am surrounded by these people and this age group, and until I find others who have matured and are more considerate, I am destined to walk alone @ Mac. Sad how at Sheridan it was SOOOO much easier to find these people. Maybe because the program I was in was a transfer program and therefore geared toward people who had taken time off between high school and college to work and "find themselves". *sigh*
Oh well, gotta do a wee (and I do mean 'wee') bit of reading before I head out at 1:30. Hope everyone has a great week (last week of the first month of 2009 already!) and remember to bundle up!! The deep freeze isn't supposed to let up til Thursday at the earliest!!
Cheers
I don't know though. I think maybe what has been getting to me and the reason why my social outcastness has been so prevalent since coming to University are kinda one in the same. Realistically I just don't have faith in the human race anymore, I think. Wait. Thats not exactly what I meant. I mean more so that human nature, human beings, and particularly the aspect of being entirely inconsiderate of other people has been getting on my nerves. I mean seriously, I was on the GO bus this morning and this person beside me decided the back of my seat was a good place to dig her knee into. Not that that bothered me all that terribly. No, what really got to me was the fact that she was figety, constantly moving around and therefore movibng the back of my seat around in the process. Oh, and she would dig her knee further into my seat as she shifted, so that not only was I being violently jerked around, I also had to endure this with something digging painfully into my back.
Now, most people would ask "Well, why didn't you say anything to her? Ask her politely to stop?". I ask myself such questions all the time in these situations, and I've determined that I am just too nice of a person. I don't want to insult anyone's intelligence, and I don't want to be rude to anyone..and I fear that anything I say will be taken in either of these ways. I mean really, I think once we get to a certain age there are just some things that should go without saying. And I honestly don't know how to approach someone who clearly should know better when they're doing something that I find inconsiderate and personally find assinine that their behaviour is happening at the moment. I mean, treat others as we want to be treated right? That is exactly the reason why I do my best to be as considerate as humanly possible of others rights and feelings when I'm out in public. Plus really I want people to realize that no, I was not raised by farm animals or monkeys or some other manner of beast that clearly was never taught manners.
Hmmm...i think I have gotten off topic...well, is it possible to even get off topic in a blog post? Maybe, maybe not. I mean, after all it IS supposed to be me sharing my thoughts and feelings...can I help it that I am random? Probably. Do I want to? Not at the moment. Maybe I wouldn't be so crazy to begin with if I didn't sit in solitude for 6 hours a day at school. Oh yeah, school and why humanities flaws prevent me from making friends here. NOW I remember...
Ok, so here's the thing. Its not that I have a problem with ALL 19 year old people. Really, I don't. Its just that there's a certain kind of 19 year old person who drives me batty and I feel that the only opportunity I have to communicate with people at school is with these 19 year olds. I don't hate them, as much as I feel that I have grown past that stage of development and can no longer relate. Like, for example, when I am in a library I am relatively quiet, understanding the concept that other people are probably here to work, and even if not all of them are I try to be considerate of those that could be--after all, they could be me and I would appreciate the respect. But you have these children who feel the need to practically scream at each other in the library, while doing absolutely no work, practically over your head, while you sit there in shock wondering when they'll realize where they are. And thats when someone will ask them to keep it down. And then they look pointedly at the person, roll their eyes, and then almost purposefully speak a bit louder and quite a bit longer. Or the ones that say sorry and can only maintain that quiet polite tone of voice for all of 30 seconds before they go buck wild again.
There are many more examples I can use that I encounter on a day to day basis, but I think I've made my point. Unfortunately for me because I did start school so late I am surrounded by these people and this age group, and until I find others who have matured and are more considerate, I am destined to walk alone @ Mac. Sad how at Sheridan it was SOOOO much easier to find these people. Maybe because the program I was in was a transfer program and therefore geared toward people who had taken time off between high school and college to work and "find themselves". *sigh*
Oh well, gotta do a wee (and I do mean 'wee') bit of reading before I head out at 1:30. Hope everyone has a great week (last week of the first month of 2009 already!) and remember to bundle up!! The deep freeze isn't supposed to let up til Thursday at the earliest!!
Cheers
Tuesday, January 20, 2009
Playing Hookie...
Darn right I am today, and boy does it feel lovely!! Seriously, sometimes your body craves some R&R more than it craves anything else. I swear to god I have a fever and headache all day sometimes because I am just that exhausted with my long days, long commutes and the long hours I put in otherwise for school. Plus there's the whole insomniac thing, which really doesn't help anything at all. So, every once in a while I just desperately need to stay home and actually get more than 2 hours of sleep for the night. Which I did, and as I said it feels particularly lovely!! I gotta put in some school time today though, work on an assignment or do some reading or something...but not right now...right now I'm just gonna sit back and..chill...ahhhhh
*Smile* Cheers
*Smile* Cheers
Monday, January 19, 2009
Death and Dying: The Western Experience
This is the title of one of my classes this semester...it is a class that I have been trying to get into since last year, so I'm pretty psyched that I finally got into it. One thing I'm finding pretty fascinating about this class, other than the actual material covered, is the fact that we are consistently told to ask ourselves certain questions about the pertinent material.
One of those questions which came up in the very first day in class is why do you want to take this course and what are you expecting to get from it. I've been dwelling on the answer to this question for some time now...It occurs to me, of course, that I have been practically desperate to take the course, and in fact spent a good two days consistently (I mean literally for hours at a time) to get into it. But why? What about death fascinates me so? What made this something I absolutely positively HAD to study while I had the opportunity?
I have come to some conclusions, although not at all to the ultimate answer. I know for a fact that it isn't some morbid fascination or preoccupation with death and dying. It isn't because of some recent realization of my definite mortality or that I could possibly die at any moment. It's not because I have some fascination with societal values and beliefs about death and dying...ok, ok, I'm sure you're thinking to yourself 'yes J. Christle, we get it, there's all these reasons that are NOT your reason for taking the course. Why ARE you taking it then?'.
The answer is, of course, that I'm not entirely sure, although I feel that the answer to that question will become a lot clearer in the weeks to come as I weed all the reasons why I am clearly NOT taking the course. I can tell you that the fascination came with my stepmothers sudden passing away and all of the things surrounding death, religion and custom that I encountered as a result. I don't think my reason is ABOUT her per se, as much as I think on some deep subconscious level these happenings raised some type of existential or philosophical questions about the concepts of death and dying within my psyche which I feel a deep need to explore. Stay tuned, I'll definitely throw an update out there if I come to something.
Sorry for the obscurity of this post, I'll try not to be quite so existential in the next one.
On a lighter note, happy Monday everyone!! And boy I'm I ever glad the deep freeze is over for now!! :-p
Cheers
One of those questions which came up in the very first day in class is why do you want to take this course and what are you expecting to get from it. I've been dwelling on the answer to this question for some time now...It occurs to me, of course, that I have been practically desperate to take the course, and in fact spent a good two days consistently (I mean literally for hours at a time) to get into it. But why? What about death fascinates me so? What made this something I absolutely positively HAD to study while I had the opportunity?
I have come to some conclusions, although not at all to the ultimate answer. I know for a fact that it isn't some morbid fascination or preoccupation with death and dying. It isn't because of some recent realization of my definite mortality or that I could possibly die at any moment. It's not because I have some fascination with societal values and beliefs about death and dying...ok, ok, I'm sure you're thinking to yourself 'yes J. Christle, we get it, there's all these reasons that are NOT your reason for taking the course. Why ARE you taking it then?'.
The answer is, of course, that I'm not entirely sure, although I feel that the answer to that question will become a lot clearer in the weeks to come as I weed all the reasons why I am clearly NOT taking the course. I can tell you that the fascination came with my stepmothers sudden passing away and all of the things surrounding death, religion and custom that I encountered as a result. I don't think my reason is ABOUT her per se, as much as I think on some deep subconscious level these happenings raised some type of existential or philosophical questions about the concepts of death and dying within my psyche which I feel a deep need to explore. Stay tuned, I'll definitely throw an update out there if I come to something.
Sorry for the obscurity of this post, I'll try not to be quite so existential in the next one.
On a lighter note, happy Monday everyone!! And boy I'm I ever glad the deep freeze is over for now!! :-p
Cheers
Friday, January 16, 2009
Hey y'all!!
So after a few angry emails and msn messages I have decided to make a new post. Sure, its been 4 months since the first complaints, but better late than never right? :-p Actually I don't think I have ever been more shocked in my life when I actually received complaints from people asking why I hadn't made a new post...I mean, as we all know I have had this blog for a couple years now, and for a couple years now I have been randomly forgetting I have a blog for months and months and months, and nobody has ever seemed to notice.
I guess maybe I have a new following for my writing website as of lately (www.jchristle.tk for those of you who don't know...if you wanna see my cute little back up story you can check out www.therealjc.tk...I think it was pretty awesome anyway, and I designed and programmed those two sites from scratch with my own two little hands..all of my blood, sweat and tears were poured into those sites..there were nights when I couldn't sleep, when I was tortured with self doubt but no matter how hard it got...sorry, what was I talking about again?????)
Oh yeah, so anyway I designed those two sites which I think is pretty impressive given the fact that a) I have absolutely no experience in web design and b) not only did I do all this complex programming (well, complex for me) I also did alot of manipulations to the background pictures, made a bunch of flashing slideshow kinda pictures and stuff like that...pretty neat :-) Plus, all of the writing on this site are what I like to call J. Christle originals.
My other site was designed by a friend (well, you all know Desi right?) who has a degree in computer science and therefore is pretty awesome at these things. (My other site is really awesome though...its so ME...I pretty much designed the layout, and there are these little barbie doll things all over the site, which I DID make by hand!!)
Wait a minute, in my ranting I totally forgot the whole point of this entry. Well, thank you for all those who follow the blog, I'll try my best to be more dilligent in the future making my entries...I should get on writing some new poetry or stories too...its been quite a while since I've updated my site. Anywho, for now..
Cheers
I guess maybe I have a new following for my writing website as of lately (www.jchristle.tk for those of you who don't know...if you wanna see my cute little back up story you can check out www.therealjc.tk...I think it was pretty awesome anyway, and I designed and programmed those two sites from scratch with my own two little hands..all of my blood, sweat and tears were poured into those sites..there were nights when I couldn't sleep, when I was tortured with self doubt but no matter how hard it got...sorry, what was I talking about again?????)
Oh yeah, so anyway I designed those two sites which I think is pretty impressive given the fact that a) I have absolutely no experience in web design and b) not only did I do all this complex programming (well, complex for me) I also did alot of manipulations to the background pictures, made a bunch of flashing slideshow kinda pictures and stuff like that...pretty neat :-) Plus, all of the writing on this site are what I like to call J. Christle originals.
My other site was designed by a friend (well, you all know Desi right?) who has a degree in computer science and therefore is pretty awesome at these things. (My other site is really awesome though...its so ME...I pretty much designed the layout, and there are these little barbie doll things all over the site, which I DID make by hand!!)
Wait a minute, in my ranting I totally forgot the whole point of this entry. Well, thank you for all those who follow the blog, I'll try my best to be more dilligent in the future making my entries...I should get on writing some new poetry or stories too...its been quite a while since I've updated my site. Anywho, for now..
Cheers
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