What do I really want??......

I'm feeling very existential today. I'm wondering where my life is heading, where I want it to head, where I REALLY want it to head, what path would be the most fulfilling one for me to pursue...I don't know, I'm pretty much questioning everything. Every time I think I have a path narrowed down and think I am happy with heading down that path, I have one of these existential breakdowns and feel relatively unsure of myself and every aspect of my life.

I mean, I believe in psychology, in the fact that I am meant to be a psychologist, and that being a psychologist will bring me happiness. I do. But, I mean, is that what I want to do when I'm in my 30's or is that more the plan after I have done other things? What other things do I want to do if it is the case that I would rather wait until later to start my psychology career? I miss singing, I miss acting, I miss playing the french horn. I love writing and wish I could find a way of having something I write published. I want to take part in something exciting...like being part of a step team and competing all over Ontario. I want to get a group of people and take a road trip to Florida or something, and stop and see all the sights along the way. I want to perform a bunch of my songs in little lounges for pennies. I wanna take a hip hop dance class and see if I could be the next big dancer. I want to perform on broadway, or in a little movie with a serious theme.

Ok, I am seeing a trend here. I am a very artistic. VERY artistic. I miss being able to express myself through all of those artistic outlets. Sometimes I feel like I am way too much of a free spirit to have reigned myself so fully down like this. I mean, sometimes the world is this whimsical, beautiful, complex place, and I want to be able to express that somehow, put it down, put it together, DELIVER it to the world, to the country, to the audience of 10. I don't want to be a professional _____________________________ (insert artistic job here), I don't want to do it for life, I just want to take the chance to experience it now, before I'm too old and its too late to do it.

I went back to school because I missed challenging myself, I missed learning, I missed THINKING in general. And I think I have done an awesome thing, and even with all this existential thought I don't want to (never even consider the concept of) drop out or anything. I want to stay in school til I reach my goal. But I don't want my entire life to be about this school thing right now. I feel like I need to spread my wings and fly, and I don't know how to reach that goal, I don't know how to do that. I don't know if I even have the ability to do it anymore. Maybe I already am way too late, maybe I am too old already. My heart and soul feel tortured right now. I gotta figure out what I want, where I want to go, what I wanna be and how I want to be that. I need to make my life more fulfilling and balanced right now because I think without doing that I may just say f*** it altogether and become a career customer service rep.

*sigh*

Cheers